Stay out, you bloodsucking leeches!
Welcome to the tipton,
where you and the rest of your baseball team
will be treated with the utmost respect and courtesy.
You Yankees stink! You're going down!
Yeah, but first,
can you autograph my mitt?
And my ball?
Please get out from behind there.
No, no! Not over the--
so sorry about this.
How many times have I told you not to disturb the guests?
2,708.
But it never gets old.
Thanks.
My pleasure, guys.
Sorry, dude, but this hand will never touch the hand of a Red Sox rival.
Not even if it has tickets to tomorrow's game in it?
I love you, you stinkin' yankee!
Yeah, thanks! Ok.
Don't break the yankee!
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Wow! I would love to play catch with one of them.
They're even cuter than the hockey team daddy bought me for hanukah.
Ha! You should have seen the ballplayers back in my day...
Like babe Ruth. What a hunk!
You knew babe Ruth?
Sure. Who do you think first called him "babe"?
You know, I am sick of cute guys.
I mean, who cares about looks?
Ok.
What else is there?
How about intelligence, sense of humor,
sweetness, a lot of creativity...
[Continues mouthing words]
Ok, if you're gonna do that, stop when I stop.
If you really care about all that junk,
I know this guy Gavin who'd be perfect for you.
I'll set it up for tomorrow.
That is so sweet!
Well, you guys have so much in common.
He has bad skin too. Tons of blackheads.
I do not have any black--ooh!
It's a special magnifying mirror
to enable to detect potential pimples
while still at a subatomic level.
Maddie, how about I give you a facial
and do your hair for your date tomorrow?
We can have a little spa day in my suite.
Ooh, me too! I love to ski, spend, and spa.
Anything that starts with "s."
Ok. We'll do it tomorrow.
It'll be so nice to just for once
spend a day pampering myself
instead of doing what the boys want to do.
Hey, mom, we got 3 tickets so you could take us to the game tomorrow!
Won't that be fun?
Not fun.
It would be an opportunity for you to bond with the boys.
Ooh, I shudder just thinking about it.
Ooh! See?
Ooh! Oh, flashback!
The more you connect with them, the less of your stuff they'll break.
You really expect me to believe that?
No. Mr. moseby, please, please, please,
please, please! I never get a day to myself
and the boys love you.
They love me?
No, but...
They would if you took them to a baseball game.
I can't believe that hotel guy
won't take his own kids to the baseball game.
No, no, they're not my kids.
That's just not right. Mm-hmm.
But I hate baseball.
Now that's just un-American.
Do you believe this guy?
I guess you hate apple pie, too, huh, fella?
And puppies! And your own mama!
Sir, I love my mama!
I would love to take the kids to the game.
Ha ha ha ha ha! What time's kick-off?
Oh, the boys will be so thrilled. Yes!
No! No!
Mr. moseby?
At a baseball game?
Those 2 things just don't go together.
It's like Zack and homework.
Or Cody on a date!
Oh, come on, guys.
He's really looking forward to going with you
and he loves you.
He loves us?
No, but he might if he spent more time with you.
Please. I never get a day to myself,
and I changed your diapers.
Oh, no. She's playing the diaper card again.
You know, mom, if we knew you were
always gonna pull that diaper thing,
we would have just sat in it.
Speak for yourself.
Wow! These seats are awesome!
Oh! This seat is filthy!
Well, we told you to dress casual.
This is casual. I'm wearing loafers,
and my pocket-wear is linen, not silk.
And my jockey shorts are a cotton blend.
Sit down!
Ok. Today's the day.
I'm finally gonna catch my first ball.
Or it'll bounce off your head
and while everybody rushes to stop the bleeding,
I can pick it up like last time.
Should we be wearing protective headgear?
Mr. moseby, when you were a kid,
didn't you ever dream about catching a ball
at Fenway park?
No. Back then, the ballet was my life.
Gee, there's a surprise, huh?
I was just a kid in the chorus,
but I aspired to someday being picked
to dance the challenging yet coveted role of nutcracker prince.
So did you get to do it?
Alas, no.
One nasty tetherball accident
shattered my big toe.
It's just so painful for me to talk about.
Try having to listen to it.
Hey, hey, check out the lead pinapski's taking.
He's gonna steal.
You know, I read the encyclopedia of baseball last night.
All of it?
Well, you have to be informed.
Don't want to appear the boob.
Too late.
Current research proves that stealing a base,
WHILE THEATRICAL,
is statistically inadvisable.
No, no. I'll tell you what's inadvisable--
shooting off your mouth when you don't know diddly.
Well, I'm sure this diddly is a fine fellow,
but statistics do not lie.
Sir, stealing that base would be a waste of your time.
There he goes.
Umpire: YOU'RE OUT!
Crowd: OH!
Told you!
[Knock on door]
Could you get that?
Sure. Come in!
Oh. Aah!
Something's eating maddie's head!
It's my hair.
It's humid outside, which tends to make it a little frizzy.
A little? You look like the bride of frankenstein.
Are we done making fun of my hair?
Not quite. ♪ your hair looks funny ♪
♪ your hair looks funny ♪ ok. Now I'm done.
Don't worry. By the time we're done,
your blind date's gonna think you're gorgeous.
Ah.
Crowd: OH!
Umpire: YOU'RE OUT!
Crowd: YAY!
You stink! Go back to New York!
Isn't that the nice man who gave us these tickets?
Another reason to hate the Yankees.
Zack, how could you be so rude?
Miss manners, this is a baseball game.
It's not your ballet class.
Mock me if you will, but I was the only boy amongst 20 pretty girls.
Mama didn't raise no fool.
All right. Yeah.
Look. It's his first time. Cut him some slack.
Oh, not to worry. I can razz with the best of them.
Hey...Yankee...Person.
Your shoelace is untied.
It's not really. I'm just saying that as a ploy.
Clever.
You swing like a girl! You're weak!
You'd never make it as a nutcracker.
That's telling him.
Mm-hmm.
Announcer: AND NOW, PLEASE RISE
for the seventh inning stretch.
Ooh!
[Music playing]
Oh!
Isn't this the life?
Too bad we can't do it every day.
Well, you can't, but I can. Yay!
[Snaps]
Ow! Why'd you do that?
It stimulates the circulation in your forehead,
prevents wrinkles.
Oh. Ok.
Ow! [Snaps]
Ow.
Ow...Ow...
Aren't you guys afraid of wrinkles?
Nah! When the time comes, I'm gonna grow old gracefully.
Ok, maddie, let's get started on your hair.
Come over here and let's work some magic.
And for my first trick, I made the comb disappear.
Nnnh! Uhh!
It's ok. It'll be fine
once we wash, condition, blow dry,
straight iron and possibly shave your head.
What?! I'm kidding.
[Sighs]
As long as I stay inside.
Otherwise, it's attack of the killer hair.
Then it was pretty smart of me to arrange your date here at the hotel.
Look, I don't know why some people think I'm stupid.
Ow, ow, ow, ow...
It's a mystery, all right.
Umpire: STRIKE!
Crowd: AW!
You're blind!
You tell him, fancy-pants!
Thanks, Artie. Hey, some popcorn?
Yeah. Don't mind if I do.
Mr. moseby, your hat's empty.
Ah! We'll refill it, boys.
Hey, how about some peanuts?
Yeah. All right.
Hey, waiter, 3 orders of your finest peanuts, please.
And some cotton candy?
Sure. And some--ooh!
Never mind. Huh?
Hey!
Oh! Good thing I didn't order the canned ham.
I gotta say, Mr. moseby,
for a stick in the mud, you're ok.
Hmm. And for a pain in the derrire, so are you.
This stinks. It's the bottom of the ninth,
the sox are losing, and now I'll never catch a ball.
It's not over yet. If he hits this,
we still have a chance of winning.
Hmm!
It's coming to us!
No! Don't catch that!
No!
All right! I caught it!
I caught it for you.
No, thanks.
Oh, but I insist.
Keep it. Oh, but you wanted one.
Not that one. Why not?
Announcer: INTERFERENCE. THE BATTER IS OUT.
The Yankees win.
That's why!
To think I shared popcorn with the likes of you.
Nice going, Mr. moseby.
You lost us the game.
You are going to be the most hated man in Boston.
Oh, pish-posh. I think you're blowing this all out of proportion.
Look.
[Crowd booing and yelling]
Does my hair look ok?
Amazing. I mean, no one would know
it's actually a giant tumbleweed.
Ok.
London.
Gavin!
This is maddie. Maddie, this is Gavin.
Hi.
You know, for 2 smart people,
you guys don't say very much.
That's because we're so smart,
we can communicate telepathically.
Oh, yeah? Oh, what's she saying?
And don't talk.
Maddie just said she thinks
we're going to have a great time.
And Gavin just said he wishes you'd leave.
[Gasps] Well! That's the rudest thing I've never heard!
Sir, your table is ready.
Aah! Well, if it isn't little miss
"I'm sorry, but this hotel doesn't stock your favorite flavor of gum."
Patrick, no one likes coconut gum.
I do, so apparently I'm a no one.
This way.
Wait. No, no, no, no.
We have to have a table inside.
Please... St. Patrick.
So, I see. Now I'm a someone.
No, it's just that it's really humid out there.
Yes. That would explain we'll wait. How soonavailable can you seat us inside?
Breakfast.
Splendid decision. Right this way.
Balmy, isn't it?
Enough small talk. Here's your table.
Here are your menus. Would you like some crayons?
Well, this isn't so bad.
Will you excuse me for a second?
[Gasps]
[Dials]
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Carey, this is a disaster.
What's the matter? Is your date a dud?
Tell him your husband just got out of jail.
Works for me every time.
No. He's great, but we're outside, it's 95% humidity,
and I can hear my hair frizzing.
[Frizzing]
Thank goodness. Sanctuary.
Traitor!
How dare you show your face in here?
I'm the manager.
Well, Mr. manager, I bet your mama don't love you now.
Well, she did leave a nasty message on my cell phone.
If anyone asks, we don't know you.
We just met you at the game.
And we didn't hit it off.
We were having fun. We were bonding.
I'm sorry. Mom says not to talk to strangers.
Oh, hi. How was the game?
Oh, fine, if you like being pelted by peanuts.
Great. Glad you had fun.
I ran as fast as I could.
Not fast enough. It's growing!
No, it's ok. I got here in time.
In time for what?
In time to recommend the steak. It's fantastic.
Cool. Can we have some water, please?
I'm not a waitress.
Then who are you?
I'm a singer. She's a chef.
I'm a singing chef.
♪ Enjoy your meal ♪
♪ try the steak, not the veal ♪
It really is humid tonight, isn't it?
Is it? I hadn't noticed.
Could you excuse me? Could you excuse me?
I'll be right back.
I am not staying in any hotel managed by some Benedict Arnold.
Me, neither. I'm checking out and I'm going to stay at the St. mark.
Blame me if you must,
but please do not punish this magnificent hotel.
I'd rather die.
Works for us. Works for us.
Poor Mr. moseby.
If I hadn't made such a big deal
about never catching a ball,
he probably wouldn't be in this fix.
Yeah.
We gotta do something.
Yeah. Wanna go get some ice cream?
Sure.
Aah!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh!
The hairspray is wearing off.
I think I've built up an immunity to it.
Ok. It's a little frizzy.
How little?
Somewhere between a troll doll and an unsheared sheep.
[Gasps]
Ah, miss London,
may I get you a table inside?
But I thought you said there wasn't anything available inside.
I'm sorry. Does your father own this hotel? I didn't think so.
Thank you, Patrick, but I just came up
to check on my friends' date.
Although I don't know why I should
after you thought rude things to me.
Well, we apologize. Now please help me blot.
You got a mop?
That's why I need your help.
See, I really like maddie,
which makes me a little nervous,
so it makes me sweat even more,
but I don't want her to see my sweating,
so I have to keep running in here to blot,
which makes me sweat more.
Ew, ew, ew-ew-ew-ew-ew.
Take care of this.
Gavin: THANKS.
Hey, would you mind putting some deodorant on my back?
Come with me.
That's not working.
It's alive!
♪ I recommend the creme brule ♪
♪ I recommend you go away ♪
Look, you've both been hiding something.
The truth is--how do I say this nicely?
Maddie's a frizzy-haired freak and Gavin sweats like a donkey in a sauna.
So now you guys can just relax and enjoy your date.
I mean, if you can forget how hideous you both look.
[Laughs]
Oh, great. More smarty-pants silent talk.
Ok, what are you guys saying?
I said that I love curly hair.
And I said that a little perspiration never hurt anybody.
Oh! This is so romantic!
In an incredibly icky kind of way.
Now what are you saying?
Gavin wants to thank you for setting up our date and then saving it.
Oh!
And maddie wants you to leave.
Well, do you know what I'm thinking up here?
Nothing? Nothing?
Wow, you guys are good.
I just hope Mr. moseby's ok.
Well, if you're so concerned, why don't you just ask him?
Mr. moseby!
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!
There he is!
Oh! Oh, my! No, no, no, no, no punching!
I can't take hitting. Oh! Uhh!
How does it feel to be the most hated man in Boston?
I didn't mean to cost the sox their game.
Do you think you'll have to leave Boston?
Leave Boston? He should leave the country!
Yeah! Yeah!
He doesn't deserve this.
Hold my cone. I'm going in.
Leave him alone!
Who are you?
I'm the kid he took to the game.
I don't know either of them!
Why'd you pull such a bonehead move?
He couldn't help doing something incredibly stupid.
It was his first game.
Wait. A grown man who's never been to a baseball game?
Yeah. Fat chance.
It's not his fault his mom made him
wear tights and play ballet.
Actually, I quite enjoyed the dancing.
But you go ahead.
It may not have been the smartest move,
but he caught that ball for me,
for a kid who always dreamed of catching one.
But was too lame to do it himself
because he has lousy hand-eye coordination.
I have astigmatism.
Look, don't you all remember
what it was like to go to your first baseball game,
to walk through that dark tunnel
and suddenly see the stadium open up in front of you?
Yeah. Yeah.
Smelling the newly-cut grass and the fresh, roasted peanuts.
Yeah. Yeah.
The fat fan's nacho burps.
[All groan]
The point is,
this man didn't think he'd like baseball,
but once he got there, he loved it.
So he got swept away in the excitement and caught the ball.
He did it for me.
He may be the most hated man in Boston,
but to me, he's a hero.
Aw! Aw!
You know, the kid's got a point.
Yeah. Yeah.
And isn't that what baseball's all about?
Not winning or losing but the love of the game?
Yeah.
Not if you lost your paycheck betting on the sox.
You got that right.
And it knocked us out of first place.
Behind the Yankees.
I hate the Yankees.
I hate him!
Get him! Yeah!
Run, boys, run!
Let me know if you catch him!
As I may have mentioned
every 5 minutes for the last hour and a half-- but who's counting?--
it's closing time.
Isn't it just a gorgeous night?
Absolutely perfect.
Fine. If you want to stay, I have one favor to ask.
We've run out of steel wool in the kitchen.
We'd love to scrub the pots out with your hair!